What if...

This post is a little different from the rest...I've decided to share a journal entry from the beginning of this year (also the beginning of this exciting journey), so you can see how far God has brought me. So, here's me being super transparent.

January 6th, 2014
Today has been a struggle. I'm still struggling with that stupid fear about my budget and not to mention the fear of me speaking in churches. Today sheer panic took over me, Matt (the missionary I will be working with) contacted me about scheduling a time to skype. My first thought was I just want to hide. What if I can't raise the money in time? Do I have what it takes? Can I manage to talk to a large crowd? What if I can't...what a failure I will be. What will everyone think of me if I can't do it...will they think I don't have enough faith or that I don't have what it takes. Why would God call me to this if I'm just going to fail? I'm already giving into the fight. I'm letting myself get beat up before the fight has even started. I won't be trampled on. I will not allow these thoughts to take root and cause me to fear. God will give me boldness to speak! He will give me the words to say and put a message in my heart! He will provide! I will quit feeling defeated! I can do this...but only with God. He goes before me to prepare the way.

As I type this it brings tears to my eyes. How could I have allowed myself to be gripped by such fear? Honestly, we all do it. God calls us to do something big, something outside of our comfort zones, and at first we are so excited about it and we're ready to charge on full steam ahead. Then those silly "what if's" come into play. Something I learned from one of Steven Furtick's messages is answering a "what if" with an "even if" what if I fail at this...well even if I fail I'm still the same girl. The same girl who desperately wants to fulfill God's call on her life, who loves God and loves people, who wants to make a difference for the kingdom of God. So, I decided to fight this fear with the only weapon I knew could win...the Word of God. I do believe God is going to bring all the money in on time -Philippians 4:19- (I only have $1013 of my monthly budget left to raise and $5563 of my cash budget left to raise...it's soooo close to being complete!) I have to be there before August and I personally believe God can make it happen to where I leave the end of June or first of July. I do believe that I have what it takes...because I have Jesus in me - Philippians 4:13. I can speak to large crowds because it's God who speaks through me - Luke 12:12. Now did I get a little nervous before speaking...umm YES, but after the first couple of times I changed from being nervous to being excited to share what God had laid on my heart. I will no longer let fear and anxiety of failing take control - Philippians 4:6-7.
Do I still have fleeting thoughts of fear? Yes, but that's all they are fleeting thoughts. They are no longer allowed to take root and become destructive.  The only way I fail is by giving up, and that's not going to happen.

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